from hyperbole and a half:
Thanks so much to all of my readers and new readers who messaged me about my last post. It is interesting that when I post poetry drafts, they usually get a bigger response that formal poems that I think are "done." The feedback also gave me a chance to read some of your similar posts, either those that stemmed from mine, or older one that you chose to share with me - about the issue of post-transplant and return to work and relationships, and general identity crisis blah blah.
Here are some of the things I have come up with in my two days long reflection:
- I am feeling a little bit better but it has come to my attention... ahem...wonder if you are reading... that perhaps I'm jumping into both "work" and work a little too much right now, and that is making these issues worse. I wonder if work is making them better. I wonder a lot of things.
- I like to be busy. I like to have lots of projects, and I have trouble turning down things that I think might be either meaningful or fun. I am working on this. I eventually need to pick one career over another, I realize this.
- I like to be alone. Although when I'm around people, I am very extroverted, I would gladly stay home and work on a project or watch tv or nap over most activities of daily living. I am a person that likes to be alone and hates meeting men for a variety of reasons, who also likes sex (uh..with men...just to clarify) and cuddling. Some women like being single for a long time and can just give up S and C (sex and cuddling). I am not one of these people. I eventually need to pick a lifestyle, I realize this.
- I liked being skinny. Although I'm not really any other person's definition of "not skinny" right now, I really don't like my new bod as much as I liked my old one. I know that my new body is much healthier than my old body, but I would really like my flat stomach back. That is ridiculously superficial. I realize this.
- I want to get another tattoo. All of you Duke folks are getting them, and you prompted me to ask a few of my medical team people about this today. Their responses will make for another post. There are stupid health risks with most of what my lifestyle is, I realize this.
- I have a lot of anxiety. Some of it is logical and can be explained pretty easily by looking at the history of my life and body. Some of it is illogical and more of a physical response to some sort of biochemical psychological yadda yadda. I realize this. When it gets worse, it just gets worse, and really all I can do is wait for it to get better. I do like it when it's better, just for the record.
- I like to be in charge of things. I didn't really realize this totally until my bff T-Money pointed out that she never saw me so nervous as when we went to Baby Class together. I wanted to teach the class. I know nothing about babies, but I'd rather teach the Baby Class than meet the strangers with their babies. I can't go through life and be in charge of ALL THE THINGS, I realize this
Hmm. These are the things I'm thinking about lately.
Thanks for reading the update. And for reading in general. Oh, and I'm tweeting again. @bethpeters