This adorable pic will minimize the random tragic nature of this post
and my current mindset.
It has been a harder month that most in CF land, and I am not immune to this. It's been a particularly hard week for me, for no particular physical reason. And tonight, I read this:
which was posted by our good friend Josh at Joshland. Josh does not usually post anything too dark or serious, and this post is a bit of both and it also has a sort of poetic brilliance about it that has inspired me to write a little tonight about my own feelings. Thanks, Josh.
So here is what's going on with me. As most of my readers know, I have pretty bad anxiety, and I dealt with it pretty well before my transplant and then even better for a while after my transplant. Lately, it's been much much worse. I think that I am now physically healthy enough to deal with a lot of the things I did not deal with, emotionally speaking, in the year before my transplant and the year after. I am finding myself getting upset over memories from things from that long ago, or even memories of things that happened to me or around me that I haven't thought of, at all, since they first happened. And then I get all upset and can't stop until I sleep for a long time. I also think of things, or remember things, that I absolutely ignored or left to the side prior to my transplant and freakishly obsess if I can figure out a way to clean up those messes now- even though I don't really want to.
And, like Josh's post above, I am finding myself behind the pace of my peer group - to put it randomly in human development terms. In order to prepare for my transplant and sort of as necessary outcome of my failing health, I distanced myself from most if not all unhealthy people or relationships in my life. My physical and emotional state simply did not allow me to expend the energy that it took to keep negative people or behaviors around me. However, now I find myself in a rather lonely place.
I don't want to share too much on here about my personal life, but suffice it to say that my romantic life is not going very well and I'm faced with a lot of the issues that a lot of other bloggers have written about, and that I published poems about earlier last year, with cf/transplant/child bearing/health choice making and etc combing with DATING? It's like, are you fucking kidding me? This is a drastic over simplification of the male-female situation for 30somethings in America, and I'm no sociologist, but suffice it say that a lot of men my age really only want to be in relationships IF they want to get married relatively soon SO THAT they can have children. So, great. Yes, that's a simple version and YES, men are just as complicated as women blah blah blah- but you know what I'm saying is true, and most of my male friends admit it. In the past two years, 3 of my ex boyfriends have gotten married and were upset that I did not attend their weddings. Can I again get a ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I feel like my professional life is going well, while my personal life is failing. It seems like my work life is an endless series of meetings, and that it seems like on any given day, I can call a meeting together and more people will attend it than my birthday party. Something is wrong with that. I don't even like meetings - so many humans in one room talking at once. Yikes.
Anyway, this post is rather incoherent but to say that I'm not having a particularly good time lately but that I have guilt in typing this out, because physically I am doing well (with the exception of a lot of fatigue that is mostly because of my busted thyroid) - so what do I have to complain about? I also wonder if my mind/body is used to spending periods of time not feeling well - not that I'm a hypochondriac but that some part of my brain is trained to coddle myself up in bed when I need to reset myself. Maybe that's good, maybe that's bad.
I am going to try to go to sleep now.