Saturday, January 9, 2010

"You Should REALLY . . . "

My Mom and I were ranting and raving like a couple of comedic crazies the other day on the way home from PT. It dawned on us that we have had it UP TO HERE with having each medical person thinking that their prescribed medical miracle is the most important one to stick to among all of the others. In my brain it has become one big mish-mosh of:

"Wake up earlier - sleep in later - stay on the bipap - not too much time on the bipap - on the bipap as much as you can tolerate - are you exercising alone - safest to exercise at pt - you should use you treadmill at home everyday - no one can expect YOU to exercise everyday - are you cleaning your equiptment - you should clean it after every use - i mean daily - i mean weekly - well really just rinse it - boil it for an hour and let it air dry - but no matter what don't let it air dry - and take those nebulizers - eat a lot of food - airway clearance is important - well at your stage, not too important - four times a day is good - well whatever you can do - but are you doing it? Huh? ARE YOU?"

My mother and I also stumbled upon one of the most annoying phrases we are hearing lately:

"You Know What You Should Really Do . . .[insert brilliant realization as though its never been uttered before . . . ]!?"*
*These May Not Be Actual Quotes . . . or they may be.

These are the top ten things that medical people think we should really do to solve all of our problems:

Top Ten Things "You Should Really Do!!!"

1. Clean both of your nebulizers between each of 6 treatments per day in vinegar, I mean, soap, I mean boiling water, I mean just rinse them. You should really make sure to just rinse them. And make sure they're dry. But not air dry. But don't dry them with a paper towel. But they have to be dry. And the dishwasher could melt them, you know.

2. Stop drinking soda pop because it's just empty calories, but then again the sodium is good and you do need to stay hydrated so I guess its okay, well yeah, soda's okay. You should really keep drinking that.

3. Reorganize all of your cabinets and closets throughout your house. It might seem like a big project and it could also be a lot of physical work - but it could also be fun!

4. "Hang a terrycloth robe in the bathroom. That way, when you get out of the bath, you can just put that on to dry yourself off, and then wear it all day if you want!" (I've been sitting here, typing this in a damp cold robe in 20 degree New England weather because of this advice."

5. "Get out more. You have to have some fun, and live a little." (Um, No doy. Thanks for the advice and see you at 8 tonight to carry my oxygen tank.)

6. Never touch an elevator button. Just get in and wait for something magical to happen.

7. Wear masks as instructed through hospital, until a doctor sees you wearing one and says, "Oh, you don't have to wear that," and makes you feel like a bubonic fool.

8. You should make a shake out of ensure! Yum! You can just get out the blender and chop a banana and scoop some ice cream and throw in an ensure and blend that puppy up and drink it and then clean the blender really good because it'll be super sticky and frothy in a weird way because let's face it, ensure is just soy and vitamins and maybe vegetable oil. Yum! And sooo good for you. What's that about constipation and diarhea? Hmm...what could be causing that?

9. Install a better shower head. (And obvi none of these people have seen my shower!)

And... the #1 Thing "You Should Really Do!!!"

10. Add an extra butter pat to every single thing you ever eat. In fact, just sit around licking a butter stick. Yum!

*************************************
Phew! Now you know how to solve all your problems!!

Tomorrow: Best of the UnBlog! With Reader Comments!

Goodnight,
CG

6 comments:

  1. Love it! This is soooooo true... even amongst the CF community too....

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  2. What they should all REALLY do is shove all their well meaning, conflicting, confusing, unsolicited advice up their collective arses.
    And that's all I have to say about that. :-)
    Cheryl

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  3. hahaha! LOVE it!

    my personal fave from my center? "don't eat ANYTHING 2 hours before bed, it can cause aspiration...well, drinking's okay as long as it's not carbonated...and no boost...actually just water, water's fine...but you should be getting calories at night if possible, that's why feeding tubes work so well...actually, just eat what you want and then take a 30 minute walk right before you go to bed to digest it all...only walk slow so you don't burn too many calories...and make sure you're taking your nexium at night 2 hours after you eat anything...so yeah, don't eat anything for 2 hours before nexium, but it's fine to eat right up until bedtime as long as you take a 30 minute really slow walk and get lots of calories."

    thanks, i'll get right on that.

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  4. Wow. Sounds like great advice. Wouldn't it be convenient if your cupboards and closets were inside that elevator? That way you could reorganize them while going to random floors until the elevator happens to stop at your floor.

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  5. HAHAHA made me laugh out loud. Esp. #2 & 10, b/c now they're all, now now, eat mostly healthy stuff, just eat enough calories of it. But put butter on it.

    BUT OOHHHH #2. All of the sudden they get all "hey now, always gotta keep an eye on those blood sugars, fine now, but don't want to develop CFRD, can't make things harder on the pancreas than they already are, that's where these lows are coming from"...erm, maybe you should have mentioned this wee concern back when you told me to drink as much soda as I wanted when I was trying to gain weight, *before* I got hooked like crack on Cheerwine and *regular* coke. And I only go low every now and then, which really is just an unfortunate and creepy excuse to gorge on swedish fish, not like I'm gonna fall out and sieze w/o any insulin involvement.

    Butreally, I can't DRINK drink often or much at all b/c I'll spring a leak (hemo) almost every time, I can't smoke for obvious reasons...so can we *please* leave my carbonation vice alone?!

    Ahem...can you tell the soda thing is a slightly sore spot? :o)

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  6. Your top ten lists are really funny. But you know what you should REALLY do is...oh wait, I get it. Never mind. :)

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Thanks for commenting! Your comment will be posted ! -CG