I Did Not Notice the Passers-by, And They Did Not Notice Me.

Dear CG Readers,

I was having such difficulty deciding how to communicate with you again as everything unfolded over the past week and a half. I decided to make my Newsflash! to get the word out there, and then did not know what to say. (Not something I usually experience;)

All I can say, so far, is this: When I got so sick two weeks ago, I spent some time mentally preparing. I thought I was prepared to come into the hospital, and to get better so that I could continue my journey to transplant. my transplant if I had to, to stay well. I never thought that things would get so much worse before my transplant. I thought my health would get a little better before the transplant.

Now, my biggest hope is that my health stays just the same. I will look at every day of slight improvement or plateau as a victory. I am no longer demanding leaps and bounds, they could lead to setback. I am demanding one day at a time of same or a little bit more manageable.

(More to come in later posts...)

There is a long story to tell and many lessons learned and many doorways opened . . . opening still.

Tonight, in the middle of the night, settling into wear my BiPap over night, and feeling unsettled, confused, enlightened and downtrodden about how far down the rabbit hole I went, and how hard it was to come out. Scared that I could not do it again . . .

I had the pleasure of hearing this song and was suddenly clapping and swaying on my bed, enjoying the rhythm and lyrics of the song and how closely the words echoed with my journey last week. Perhaps these words will help explain while I am too tired to write all the other ones. I invite T-Money, CysticDad, CysticMom, or even J-Proffie to offer submission. CysticLady is charged with filling in the gaps.

I don't want to be dramatic, but I believe that this past week had the potential to be the 5 days that would save my life, or take it. That does sound dramatic, but I believe it to be true right now. I want to remember the skills I used so that I can use them again and waste less time finding them.

ANYHOW! The song:

Moment Of Surrender
U2

At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down ’til the pain would stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
------------------------
sorry to borrow some song lyrics, but there they are!

Goodnight, I have to dance and cradle myself to sleep, I wish the same to you.
CG