Sunday, October 25, 2009

I Did Not Notice the Passers-by, And They Did Not Notice Me.

Dear CG Readers,

I was having such difficulty deciding how to communicate with you again as everything unfolded over the past week and a half. I decided to make my Newsflash! to get the word out there, and then did not know what to say. (Not something I usually experience;)

All I can say, so far, is this: When I got so sick two weeks ago, I spent some time mentally preparing. I thought I was prepared to come into the hospital, and to get better so that I could continue my journey to transplant. my transplant if I had to, to stay well. I never thought that things would get so much worse before my transplant. I thought my health would get a little better before the transplant.

Now, my biggest hope is that my health stays just the same. I will look at every day of slight improvement or plateau as a victory. I am no longer demanding leaps and bounds, they could lead to setback. I am demanding one day at a time of same or a little bit more manageable.

(More to come in later posts...)

There is a long story to tell and many lessons learned and many doorways opened . . . opening still.

Tonight, in the middle of the night, settling into wear my BiPap over night, and feeling unsettled, confused, enlightened and downtrodden about how far down the rabbit hole I went, and how hard it was to come out. Scared that I could not do it again . . .

I had the pleasure of hearing this song and was suddenly clapping and swaying on my bed, enjoying the rhythm and lyrics of the song and how closely the words echoed with my journey last week. Perhaps these words will help explain while I am too tired to write all the other ones. I invite T-Money, CysticDad, CysticMom, or even J-Proffie to offer submission. CysticLady is charged with filling in the gaps.

I don't want to be dramatic, but I believe that this past week had the potential to be the 5 days that would save my life, or take it. That does sound dramatic, but I believe it to be true right now. I want to remember the skills I used so that I can use them again and waste less time finding them.

ANYHOW! The song:

Moment Of Surrender
U2

At the moment of surrender

I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control

I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down ’til the pain would stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
------------------------
sorry to borrow some song lyrics, but there they are!

Goodnight, I have to dance and cradle myself to sleep, I wish the same to you.
CG

16 comments:

  1. Cystic Gal -

    You may not be ready to run a marathon but we are SO glad to see you back to posting for yourself! Sorry it's been such a rough couple of weeks for you. Even if you are a plateau right now, let's hope it's a long, empty one with no major medical hoops to jump through (other than transplant, of course!).

    Feel better! Great that you are back in the game!!!

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  2. So glad to hear you are up to posting... Praying for you..... May God bless you...

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  3. It's good to hear your sweet voice again CG!

    Ronnie

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  4. CG-

    Your hope is my hope. Your honesty is astounding. Great to read something you wrote and great to read these lyrics. xxxooo

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  5. Hi sister. I miss you. Sorry I've been so busy. I just figured out today that dad left his computer unlocked. My two houses are wearing me out. We will talk on the phone today. -CysticLady

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  6. Oh Im so glad you posted! Ive been so worried about you!!
    Your in my prayers and Im so very glad your feeling a bit better.
    I cant wait til your back 100% =)

    Hope your having a good day!!

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  7. Paul Cystic Dad10/25/09, 4:31 PM

    I am more confident than ever for a positive outcome, here's why. The devil took his run at you this week and he was beaten back. He gave it his best shot and you said NO. Now that your strenght is back and you are listed it's time to move on to the work of preperation for transplant and you have set that course in motion. Remember you are just where God wants you to be. We may not know why, but we don't need to know why, we just need to handle the irksome tasks and weighty responsibilities he places on us. And you are doing so with style and grace and that incredible smile.
    Love CysticDad

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  8. So glad to see your post. Like so many others I'm thinking about you, praying and expecting you to come through this transplant experience with sense of humor and keen writer's eye intact.

    Take care and keep us posted when you can.

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  9. It is quite wonderful to hear from you directly during such a storm. We're thinking about you, knowing full well that you are more than strong enough to weather it. Hang in there.

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  10. Lovin' all these comments to hear from readers I didn't know were readin'! Love, CG

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  11. So glad you're back. Hoping and praying for peace for you, about all that happened and for all that is to come. Read a quote today that I hope speaks to you as it did me: "This is a moment, honey, not the rest of your life." Don't ever lose faith in your "wicked chi" (loosely quoting..you:o) )

    Love Love Love your way,
    Jess

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  12. I tied myself with wire
    To let the horses run free
    Playing with the fire
    Until the fire played with me

    The stone was semi-precious
    We were barely conscious
    Two souls too cool to be
    In the realm of certainty
    Even on our wedding day

    We set ourselves on fire
    Oh God, do not deny her
    It's not if I believe in love
    But if love believes in me
    Oh, believe in me

    - This week was the week we needed you more than ever, and you came back. That was the sign. That was the proof that you will be ok... and then we will go tear it up on the dance floor!

    Love, Hugs and kisses,

    T-money

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  13. CG,

    You know you're awesome, right? So glad to see your post, so glad to know you're listed, and so excited for the many more revelations/poems/musings/rants/thoughts/lyrics/beautiful words that I know will flow from you out onto your blog or into the world at large. Race you to gorgeous new lungs, cyster . . . I'm pretty sure it's a challenge we can both win.

    Peace and Love,
    Piper

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  14. Hey...good to read you post! Miss you!
    What CD are the U2 lyrics from?

    Always,

    Layne

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  15. Where to start!! Oh my little CG. I have seen you over the past weeks ( and weaks) for Reiki and am so impressed by your fight and ability to maintain snarkiness (!) even when things suck. You are amazing! I am so glad to see your dad's post!Remember you are just where God wants you to be. We may not know why, but we don't need to know why, we just need to handle the irksome tasks and weighty responsibilities he places on us. And you are doing so with style and grace and that incredible smile.
    You ROCK CG!! Love and Namaste!.L.

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Thanks for commenting! Your comment will be posted ! -CG