So I shared my first rant on "Cystic Gal" yesterday, just as I gained my first four followers: three that I know personally; one that I do not. Almost immediately, I felt so bad about my rant. I thought, oh great, now those four are never going to read my blog again. I mean, who wants a downer? Though I tried to share some humorous words and I found my chosen pseudonyms to be funny as well (T-Money in particular is pleased with her pseudonym IRL in real life), I thought
oh me oh my I have started on the wrong foot
and
why am I so angry about my disease right now?
I used to be so much more worldly and global and kumbaya in my thinking. But not this year, or last year for that matter. These years I've mostly been angry.
WHY?
Then, this morning, when on the phone with my sweetie, I had to hang up on him. I had the worst coughing fit that I have had in months. It lasted minutes and minutes (which might not sound long but a minute is LONG when you can't...uh...breathe) and was the kind where you almost puke and you cry a little bit and you get all sweaty and maybe you say the F word a few times and your friend is on the phone on mute thinking maybe you passed out on the bathroom floor which adds to the drama.
And I was really really angry.
I probably won't remember this coughing fit a few months from now, the next time I ask myself:
Why am I so angry about my disease?
More later...
CG
Hey, CG, hope you'll say more about why you think you've been feeling angry of late, since I suspect the reasons will be complex and insightful. An impulse not to be angry--to do one's best to keep-it-positive--is admirable, but sometimes anger is the most honest and justified reaction to a situation. And it's often a productive one. To whit: maybe anger is one of the big reasons that you started this blog, and that's nothing to apologize for/feel bad about. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeletei feel exactly like you said.. i loved your wording. why am i angry, i used to be wordly, kumbaya like (or something along those lines) then you go on abuot the coughing fit that you described so perfectly, the friend on hold, you trying not to puke etc..
ReplyDeletenew to the blog, dont have one of my own but im a 22 female cfer and havent read much of the recent posts, your attitude might be better now, but i can relate to this post herefor sure.