AFTER NOTE: This is a pretty random post dealing with both large and small issues. I decided to go ahead and post it in its as-written form so that I get it out there by the deadline of midnight. I may choose to edit it after...
Tonight will certainly be a stream of consciousness post because tonight I am laying lieing lying on my couch with my feet literally up
put your feet up
style and the computer is on my lap
the thing i do enjoy about writing s-o-c on the computer and not by hand is that i seem to be more decisive about line breaks
like that one
no that one
okay today was a good day except that i was fucking tired all day had a headache and a sore chest and also sometimes my head hurt but my oxygen was better than yesterday cuz i checked it every hour on the hour even once in the middle of a nap which means i must'nt've been asleep for reals.
i love my cats and it was a big moment for me when i realized well of course i should get a transplant if i don't get one and i just don't get one and all that entails after that avoiding the d word that begins with
if i don't get a transplant then who would feed my little cat?
pause squeeze squeeze drip drip more medicine into my little medicine bong
i like to make street drug references when i talked about my med drugs because then it seems funny hip and sixties or something
smoking the tobra bong.
so now everyone is reading my blog parents friends coworkers lovers random cysters and fibros and not just cgals, and i am so glad and yet there is the pressure. i love the pressure, what am i talking about. i like that i have an audience though the face of this audience in changing. by face, i mean, IP. we are our IP addresses.
when i was in high school i had a friend, S-Oteric, and he wrote lots of poems. most of them i think were plagiarized or at least i thought that then because they were so good and he was so young and otherwise thoughtless. or thoughtful. i wonder what happened to him. anyway, now that the internet is what it is i have come to believe that he really wrote these poems since they don't really seem to exist anywhere else
on the interwebs
and one of them he said was about me and there were a few lines in it that stuck with me that i think of when i'm doing drugs like this
"it's a chemical world now baby." was one of them
"i am not a prophet, anymore." was another. or was it angel? was it that i wasn't an angel anymore? anyway. I wasn't [some certain sort of special holy something] anymore.
I wonder if that will happen to me one of these days here. I'll be like
sorry guys i gots nothing to say no more
not that i think i'm an angel now. as i certainly do not. and am not.
I once had a lover that said I was an angel. I believed him, I think, for a time. Then we he left me I thought he must have been lieing about that but then now sometimes I think maybe he wasn't lieing and he just was leaving. Hmm. something to think about there.
I've been having a lot of private correspondence of late with people on THE LIST, the transplant list, the tx list and the question of spirituality keeps getting kicked around, and I think about things and I write about things, and I know what I believe.
I believe in God and heaven and most of the basic parts of what one/i/some call the "old church" of catholicism, the mysteries of faith and blah blah. I believe in the spiritual religeous part - and don't pay any attention to the policitical parts and by that i mean anything added after the initial formation of the church.
so anyways i believe in God
the mystery of faith
the holy spirit
a line between the living and the dead /ghosts and spirit world
reincarnation at times
the soul dwelling within the body physically leaving the body to enter heaven
energy residing in the cells of living and nonliving matter i.e. cellular memory
i believe that if i were to be given new lungs they would be the greatest gift from someone else and their family to me, they would be giving me life. i should receive this gift, if it is given to me.
but part of me still says, but what about heaven? what message does that send god about me and heaven? i believe that if i live a good life, and try to be righteous and responsible and promote good in the world through small acts, i will be welcomed into heaven. so if i'ms spending life preparing for heaven, and my life is nearing it's close (whatever time line that is)- shouldn't i be ready to go to heaven? by getting a transplant, does that imply that I don't want to go to heaven?
I'm just saying I don't want to avoid heaven if that's my only shot at going!
Does that sound dumb.
I don't care.
I'm leaving it there.
I keep coming back to this basic question that is hard to articulate and certainly not explained well there at all. In my head, the question is simply:
What about heaven?